January 31st

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~~ Hope ~~

Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul, 

And sings the tune--without the words, 

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

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January 30th

Today.. 

she made glee club.

he went on a long hike at school.

we all hiked together after school at our favorite farm.

she went to piano lessons.

he joined me at the health food store.

We talked about angels with a friend.

I cried standing by her door. 

I admitted to her how bad my heart has been aching again 

these last couple weeks as I grieve the loss of my daddy~o. 

I've tried to be strong for months now.

Her eyes knew & her hug was comforting.

We got home and..

she worked on her baroque report.

he started to feel down.

she worried as she fell asleep.

he took a bath with eucalyptus oils and epsom salts.  

a friend showed up at 10:30 at night when the herbs wouldn't work.  

she was literally our life saver.. our angel.  

As I edited the photos from our hike, I should've seen it coming on.  

His eyes were red & shoulders hunched. 

At the store, he asked for horehound cough drops.  

He barely ate.

The asthma came on suddenly and I was not prepared.  

When one kid is sleeping & another needs medical care,

 this single mama gig can get tricky. 

It really does take a village.

I started crying right after she left.. 

something strange.. on a soul level.. 

of a Mama worried about her baby (who was also sick with asthma)  

rushing out to help another mama with her baby. 

I feel like we've done this before. 

In a different time.

 I don't know how to explain it.... but it was some serious soul deja vu. 

I'll sleep light tonight.

January 5th

***

I woke up with a start & ran straight to the bill drawer.

Before 7am, I had a to-do list that was two pages long.

Clients to call, bills to pay, a visit to my lawyer, the bank,

 Two bedrooms to finish unpacking & organizing, laundry, a birthday party to plan.

After I picked up the kids from school, there was a little meltdown.

This single parenting gig is damn hard sometimes. 

Go to work, pay the bills, clean the house, make the food, 

take care of the kids and all their activities & school work.

And on..and on..and on.. collapse in a heap to sleep. repeat.

*sigh*

I'm exhausted.

***

I found this inspiring tonight...
Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle. ”
Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone. 
Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his. 
Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons.
Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed he was not a Warrior of the Light. 
Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties.
Every Warrior of the Light has said 'yes' when he wanted to say 'no.'
Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved.
That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.
~ Paulo Coelho 

January 4th

***

The last day of Winter break.

We painted his bedroom & decorated it with all the Star Wars things

 & bedding he got for Christmas while she played dj for us just outside the door.

We listened to music from the 1930's most of the day.

I adore her love for different time periods.

She laughed harder then I've heard her since before dad died. 

It's music to my soul to see my daughter finding joy again.

They were a little more kind to each other and a lot more lovey towards me.

I sure will miss them when they go back to school.

The evening found me enjoying a long, hot bath with a Lush bath bomb 

& a radio show about talking to your angel guides.  

Followed by knitting a scarf for a dear friends wonderful husband while the thought rolled through my head about how interesting it is that life has brought me to a point where I even believe in angels.

Everything happens for a reason.

I feel my consciousness expanding every single day.

Forever grateful.

***

January 3rd

***

The last of the New Years guests left.

and we had one little overnighter.

The Sun was bright and my intentions were to take down

 Christmas and deep clean the house after the busy holidays.

One by one they showed up.  

A gaggle of kids playing in the snow.

A room full of women sharing stories.

A clean house is over rated.

I look around now at the remnants of another full day of visitors.

I am reminded at how rich my life is.

Humbled each time someone shows up on my door step.

"Your house is our sanctuary," she said 

upon entering and finding the living room full.

Yes, yes it is, dear friends.

You are always welcome in our home.

***

January 2nd

***

They all brought magazines, paper, old calendars and more for clipping 

& we got to work on our 2012 vision boards.  

Choosing that which resonates with each of us.  

My three best girl friends, my Mama & my daughter.

All walking different paths in this life..in different phases of being.

Nine year old beside 50 year old.

Many ages in between.

All connected by the desire to better oneself.

A circle of the strongest women I know.

We laughed.

We vented.

We cried.

We acknowledged each other as emotions came up.

We honored each others place in life.

We promised to make this year the best yet.

To live inspired.

This is it.

***

January 1st

***

We decided to ring in the New Year in his house surrounded by friends. 

 I found Mom on the porch crying after dinner.  

"He would've wanted it this way." she said,

 "A house full of friends.  He was such a social person, you know."  

I looked up at the stars standing beside her.

Laughter poured out of the house.

It's been just over four months since he passed.

We were both grateful for the year to be over.

***